It

It is cute and cuddly and very nice. I want to pet it and I do. And I like to pet it but I can't always. So it goes to others to be petted and holded. I keep petting and holding it and it stops leaving, for the most part. I can't see it or pet it or hold it anymore. I am always busy. It doesn't like it and then it bites me. But I still want to pet it and hold it and everything else. I am afraid it will bite me again if I get that close. I wonder if it would be better with somebody else who could pet it and hold it all the time. I don't want it to leave but that might be best. If it does it shouldn't come to me when it isn't being petted and holded all it wants. But it might and then I would have to try very hard not to pet it and hold it and everything else. Even though I want to. If it doesn't then I will have to make very sure that I will not be bitted again. Otherwise what's the use of peting and holding a few more times just to lose a finger. That would not be good and I will have to be careful if that's what happens.

Goodbye, Nichole. And good luck with the rest of your life.

-3nvy-

Day... shit... um...Fourteen.. Yah

I have to admit, I'm curious. I wonder what is going through her mind. I am interested in knowing what views she has on the future. I want very much for her to be happy.I'm afraid of the possibility of me doing things because I want them instead of because she or even we want them. I don't want to get in the way of anything she chooses. In fact I avoid telling her things that may have that possibility. So many thoughts, feelings, developments... so many things I could tell her but I don't.
Is this the way I give up? I'm curious as to how this works. Is it a few things here and a few things there until we don't talk at all? Where's the line between giving her the freedom that she deserves and giving up on the relationship?And would the latter be so bad? Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she's wanted it for a while and has been postponing it. Maybe she's to afraid and wants me to. Maybe she wants to wait to do it until after I pass my classes so it won't affect my school work.
Maybe... I could go crazy with maybes... They get me nowhere. I like to think of them though. Odds are, by the end, one or more of the "maybes" I've thought up will be right. And then a minor plan I've created for that "maybe" will make it easier to deal with...
Many of these minor plans amount to the same thing. I see two major ones... The first seems to be similar to what I'm doing now. I do nothing. I slowly stop talking to her, making stupid excuses to myself to hide the real reason. Then we break up. It's not so hard then because, with the lack of communication, it's like we already did long before it was official. The second is more difficult. Something is always harder than nothing. I would have to try very hard to keep up communication. Steer away from the topics that cause long silences. Tell her anything and everything to keep her talking. I would have to do things myself and others might regard as "clingy" or "selfish"...
I wish there was a third option. No. Ignore that, Nichole. I don't need you feeling sorry for me or worrying about me. Then you'll go and do something stupid. Or maybe not stupid but just for stupid reasons. Either way it's bad. No. :P

Day Three

Well, it seams my earlier assessment was wrong in a few respects. First, it won't happen in a few days. Nineteen is more like it. I mean, I guess that could be considered a few days, but not really. Second, it's not as inevitable a I thought. There is a chance we will pull through... Yah... Third. Maybe, just maybe we will stay friends for longer than I have predicted. Only time will tell for that one. I am still pessimistic about it, but she instills a bit of hope.

...

...

Anyway. I've decided I hate chocolate. Not the taste or anything. I mean, I will gladly eat it if it was offered to me. I just hate the price. I spent $2.18 today on two chocolate bars. Actually I spent $2.25, I told the guy to keep the change from a quarter. the first one was gone in like five minutes flat. Sixteen pieces in the candy bar. Six of them given away. Ten left for me. Thirty seconds each piece... Okay, I spent longer than thirty seconds, but it still was too fast for the money I payed for it. Second one I opened at lunch and that went pretty fast too. I only gave away four pieces this time and it lasted a little longer. They didn't have the effect I wanted, though. Chocolate is supposed to have a feel-good effect. In fact, I have used it for this purpose before. I'm thinking my body is used to it now. Sort of like caffeine. I should stop drinking caffeine and eating chocolate for a while. Then maybe they'll work for me again. I need some incentive. Maybe I can have my friends try too. We'll see.
Well, that's enough for today. I love you, Nichole.