Day Two

What am I to do? Every second brings us closer to breaking up. I've begun to accept that it's inevitable. I have been asking around... What the hell am I going to do with my life without her? Both of the people I asked had no suggestions. They know that they can't replace her. They know that they aren't good for the kind of emotional support I get from her. What am I supposed to do? ...
I can't think of anything. Everything I come up with is just a temporary fix. Nothing will last long enough. My pain will just build up until I turn into one of those emo-relationship-hating-bitches. And it would be so easy too. This is only the second break-up I've gone through, and I'm already debating the idea of starting relationships in the first place...
Nichole wonders if we'll still be friends. Heh, yah right. Most people seem to agree, we're just to damn far apart to stay friends. The gas prices will continue to go up and the reasons for coming will be few and far between. Visiting will cease before too long. Then talking will go. Who talks with someone they never see? She will go the way of many a friend of mine. Thankfully I can count them all on one hand. All of them left in some way shape or form. All of them stopped talking to me... And then what? Not talking, not visiting, That can't be called friend by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe acquaintance but even that's sketchy. Heh. The word is ex-couple (ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend).
It's amazing how fast too.. In a few days this will be all over. Nichole will try to initialize some masterful plan. That may keep us friends until the proms. Isn't it great, we'll have a chance to waste a lot of money hurting each other all over again! And that's as far as it will go. Maybe a few random visits after, but nothing special. Then, probably over the summer, the communication will stop. Probably slow to a crawl first.
For probably the last time I say this: Why can't it just be enough that I love her?

I Knew It.

I fucking knew it. Somehow I knew that's what she was upset about. Somehow I knew... Actually it's not that amazing. I thought of every possible thing that it could be. Probability says one of them was going to be correct. Sigh. I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't be in such a great mood, as if I just accomplished something great. She chickened out. That's all. Who am I to say that it is for the best. I am just seeing things through these selfish eyes. I don't know what's best for us. Hell, it was just proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't even know what's best for me. The only thing I can think of is something I've been saying for a while now. Don't worry about what breaking up may do to me. I can't, I won't force you to be with me if you truely don't want it. Until you decide that, however, I will not give up on you. I love you.

Choices

What is it called when you lose all will to go on? The only thing that keeps people in this country going is the ilusion of free choice. But that's all it is, an illusion. If you make enough choices that certain influencial members of society belive are wrong, you will see just how fake it is. Those people take away the illusion and make all the choices for you in the pretence of it being "for your own good". It amazes me, sometimes, how few things hold a person together. A few of them get severed and the individual no longer cares what happens. Choice.. is not the problem, Neo. It is the source of all human want. If there are no choices, then there is no want. No matter how hard they try, though, they cannot take everything away. I always have some basic choices. And what if I choose to give up?
There is only one thing in this world keeping me from giving up... Why does she have such faith in me? Take the ten classes you need, she says. You can do it, she says. How does she trust my ability so much that it surpasses even my own? With just a few words she makes me feel as if I can do it. And it makes me feel that much worse for having hurt her. Nothing I do can make this up to her. For all the pain and suffering I've caused and all the pain and suffering still to come. For all her help and all her faith. I do hope that I will have the chance to show her how sorry I am for all of this and attempt to repay her. I don't think she'l ever know exactly how grateful I am to have her, how much I love her.
Eight months. Five if I'm lucky. I hope to still have you when this is all over. I love you, Nichole. So much.