Sigh.

Why can it never just be good enough that I love her? What else can I give that will make this work? I love the time we spend, but I hate the time she spends. This is going to follow me throughout this whole relationship. I tried to request something that would have stopped it. I tried to have her not be alone with anybody I haven't met. But she couldn't do that. It was too restricting. I don't like setting limiting her. In fact, I always give her the choice of doing it only if she wants to. But I only ask if I know it would help. I only want her to be happy, and she can't be if she keeps feeling guilty because she fucked up. Sigh. Is there truely nothing I can do? Am I that bad for her that I can't help her overcome this? That I can't help her when she's sad? That I can't be with her as often as I'd like?

I'd like us to be together for as long as possible. I have just run out of ideas. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of not being able to plan more than a day in advance because we not be together that long. I'm tired of always being on the very edge of breaking up. I'm tired of... Being tired of things. I'm not even being coherant anymore. I'm just so... I don't even know how to describe it because of this feeling. I can't think streight. And thinking things through is something I pride muyself on . It's just so frustrating. I feel like I'm not worth anything. She can go to anybody else and get exacty what I offer. There are people closer than thirty miles that can do everything I do and more. Why would she choose me over them?

And all the while we talk. All the while she wants to know what it does to me. All the while asking why I won't tell her. Well, Nichole, this is why I won't tell you. I don't have the patience to type all of this out without a keyboard. I can't get my thoughts down fast enough from my phone. Even this is to slow. It hurts to think that I'm so worthless. It hurts to think that I can be so easily cast aside. Forgotten for the space of a few minutes, or worse, a couple hours. How can I convay this kind of pain in a short message? How? I can't. I can't describe how much I don't like this feeling. I can't describe how much I would like this to never happen again. But It will happen again. And again. And again. There's nothing I can do.

Above all else I don't want to lose her. She means so much. I love her so much. I don't want her to be like my last girlfriend. We barely talk anymore. I haven't talked to her in months. I don't want that with Nichole. She's more to me than just my girlfriend. She's one of my only friends. I can't talk with anybody else like I do with her. She may not have the geek knowlage of someone like 'Media, but she's always there to talk to... Except when she's with somebody else... Sigh. I give up on this blog. It's so depressing and it's getting me nowhere. I love you Nichole. But... I don't know what to think anymore.

Rivalry

I get to meet my rival(s) today. If I've learned anything from pokémon, rivals are always dicks and the first meeting always sucks. The only guaranteed way to win it to growl like hell and use your potion right before you die. Otherwise he tackles or scratches you to death. Unfortunately I don't have a potion on me. Haven't figured out how I'm supposed to get it out of my PC. And each successive battle is harder, especially if you try to rush through the game. Sigh. I don't know what I'm going to do. Perhaps this is more like The Malloreon, the seer may travel with me occasionally, telling me what I need to know, but is also doing the same for my opposite. Heh, this bears such a resemblance to that series. I have to wonder which side I am, though. I guess I'll find out today which this is more like. There's no way I could stand trying to beat him all the time... maybe I've already lost.