Talking

So today... was a very busy day. I got up at seven and went to school. Yes, I know it's saturday, I had a band function to go to. Upon arriving at the school I ran over to the front lawn to find the ring I accidently left there yesterday. Oops. After that, I went to CSU Hayward, er... East BAy, for CMEA. BORING AS HELL. But I got two cupcakes and a can of Dew. Cost me two bucks.
Next, we went home for a bit. My mom had an appointment to get the oil changed set for 1:00. I got home, changed, grabed a bit of sandwitch and headed for the car dealership. As per usual, we went to the mall while waiting for them to finish. This time, we walked around the used cars a bit on our way there. Nothing interesting. Sigh, no car for me today. We walked around the mall for a bit. It was all very boring. My mom got a call from my dad saying that her half brother, my (half) unkle wanted to talk to her. She called him and found out that his girlfriend is pregnant. It will be a girl. We walked to the Hallmark store and bought a little blanket thing and a card.
A little later, still just as boring, we walked into macy's. My mom saw the Prom dresses on display and asked the question. "Are you going to prom?" If you read my last blog you already know my answer. "Probably not". She was a bit confused and asked, "Are you and Nichole still together, or have you decided since you can't really see each other..." and she trailed off. I said "I wondered when you'd ask that; March 16th" and showed her the message I still have saved on my phone. She acted exactly as I expected she would. She asked why and expressed hope that it wasn't becasue of my punnishment, but otherwise left me alone. I'm kinda upset that she said that. We both know that that punnishment couldn't have helped things. Though, maybe she thought we were so perfect that we would last through it.
I like that I have someone to talk to. I could, hypotheticly, tell her anything. I probably won't but at least now I have the option.

The Future

I wonder what my future relationships will be like. Since I lost Nichole, I've been looking at how others interact with each other.
I see my mom's friend and her friend joke around on my way to Adult School. They are far from being in any sort of romantic relationship, but I can see that he cares for her. He may joke a lot, but he's really a nice guy. He takes her to the doctor's when she's sick and he takes up the responsibility of carting me to Adult School.
I hear about my friend's relationship ocasionally. His girlfriend was just in a car accident. I don't know all of the details, but apparently he was pretty shaken by it. She's okay, but I hear the car she was in flipped end over end a few times. They're going to our Senior Prom. I almost want to go, just to meet her. But I don't have a date and I won't ask Nichole, so that's out, unless I go stag. The thought of that just doesn't sit right with me.
I see my parents. I hear their arguements. They are increcingly common. I wonder how two people can stay together and still argue so much. It scares me sometimes... They aren't so perfect that they can overcome any obsticle. And with my dad being at a company that isn't exactly stable, it makes life around here that much worse...
I see people like 'Media. He has never had any relationship in his entire life. He seems pretty happy, and more so when I get a chance to talk to him away from the stresses of school. It is obvious to me that a relationship isn't nessicary to survive...
Anyway, back to my main point. What will I do later in life? Will I be alone, single, with millions of cats until the day I die? Will I laugh and joke with someone with no plans for any sort of commitment? Will I be like my parents and constently fight? It's kinda interesting to think about, though I think it's a long way off.

Life Goes On

So she has a new boyfriend. I don't quite know all the details. I think I know the name, but I probably can't spell it. I know it happened either last night or this morning. I know... shit, I really don't know much at all. I know I've felt like crying all day. Still haven't. Breathe deep. Close eyes tightly. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I shouldn't say things like that anymore. And that will be the last time I post my feelings on the matter online. I can't talk about someone else's girlfriend that way. I want very much for her to be happy and I think she can with him. But not if I make it more difficult.
So.. spring break is almost over for me. It's just starting for Nichole. It wasn't nearly long enough. I need a break. A long break. Like summer, but I won't have that as a break. Stupid summerschool. Stupid me. All the choices I've made, many of them wrong, have brought me right here. And I don't like where I am. I doubt I will ever be happy about the choices I've made. But that's life. You make choices and you live with the consequences. It's too bad I realized that too late.
P.S. For future reference, like the next time I'm in this mood, 10 Things I Hate About You is not the best movie to watch. :-\
P.P.S. On second thought, movies in general are bad...

Easter

Sigh. So the stresses of my life continue to build. There are so many things I'm responsible for and more are added every day... Eight classes I have to keep track of. Money moving from accounts.. new bank account opened. Soon I'm going to have to go car searching. Then I'll have gas and insurgence to worry about. Not to mention Nichole will be begging me to visit. Nichole... She's the only one I've had to go to for a year and a half. I would always feel better after talking to her. She used to make life less stressful. Actually that's only half true. She made it into a different kind of stress. Something that I could handle. But now I... am "afraid" of doing that. Especially since Thursday. For some reason I wasn't myself. What started out as little jokes just kinda exploded into horrible comments and sarcasm. I don't even remember all of what I said. I know it was bad though, and I feel horrible for it. It's odd that "afraid" is the first word that came into my mind when thinking of how I feel. It seems to have run through all my thoughts of her. It's an odd fear. I guess it's just me not wanting to let go. I'm afraid of seeing her again because I know it will be different. It has to be. I won't let it not be. I won't become like the boyfriend she had before me. I won't ruin things for her next love... It's hard to be optimistic. There are times when I just want to scream. But I know I can't. So I just screw up my face when nobody's looking and hold back tears. I haven't cried yet. At all. When I'm in my room I close my eyes really tight and run my fingers through my hair. I imagine it's months ago and I'm laying in her lap. I try to forget all that's happened. And then someone tells me to do something... I almost want to tell my parents. I would if I thought it would make a difference. But that knowledge won't lighten my load. I'm 18. I'm supposed to be able to fend for myself. The work and stress will continue to pile up. I probably will tell them. Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday. Probably one of the times my mom is pointing out interesting things for me to give her. (You know, stuffed animals and such). Or maybe one of the time's my dad is asking about my prom. About the time I tell him I don't really plan to go. Or maybe way later. When I get my phone back or they try to get me to switch to their plan. We barely talk anymore, I have no incentive to switch to Verison. Maybe it will be... Ah, never mind. It's not important.
So anyway, easter. My room is practically sparkling. The house is practically sparkling. I'm so tired. I'm glad it's spring break. I can't take it anymore. Maybe I'll revert back to my pre-march-sixteenth stress level. Then I can have another three weeks of buildup before... BAM! And I blow up again like last Thursday. I hope I don't have to do much over this week. Yah right. I already have two things I have to do tomorrow and my parents always assign something else to be done while we're "sitting on [our] asses all day". Maybe, if I remember, I will finish this cross-stitch. I'm almost done with the first color. I would have been done with it a long time ago but I keep cutting the string too short and it comes undone. I'd like to finish it. I've never finished one before... I guess that's enough for today. Writing has made me feel better. Or maybe it's just the easter chocolate.