Something...
I am really getting tired of this. I am actually beginning to believe that instead of "losing" it's "lost". It's only a matter of time. I wish it wasn't and maybe I'm just being pessimistic. I don't know and there's way that I can tell. The best course of action I can see is to wait for her. However long it takes for her to decide what she really wants. Maybe even long enough for things to change... at least a little bit. I realized a long time ago that she would have to want very much to have me, and only me, for this to work. It is way too easy for her to go back to her old habits and I can't keep her from doing so. She has to decide for herself what she is going to do. Who am I to decide for her, really? She cannot have any more obligation to me than she has to herself, and from what I see that's not much. Why would she follow what I want when she doesn't even follow what she wants? Hence why I do not attempt to intervene. She would be less inclined to follow it anyway. Being a teen it's natural to want to rebel against restrictions. She would see any request that would help her as too restricting of her free will and wouldn't follow it.
I hate the feeling of helplessness. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again. It's not "good enough" that I love her. That does not make things any easier. Time may prove to say that it has, in fact, made things more difficult. Surely if I did not love her we would have broken up long ago. Some may say that would have been easier than it will be later. Either way I don't think we'll ever get back together if we break up. We.. Well mostly she, has talked of breaking up for long enough to sort everything out that's wrong outside of 'us'. I can see the logic in that thinking, but I don't think it would make that much of a difference. And what about sayings like 'two heads are better than one' and such. I have quite a firm belief that if we can't solve our problems together, we can't solve them apart. You cannot take a break from life. It keeps going, moving, as long as you live. Everybody in the world has had a time when they wished time would stop. Everybody has something they wanted to last longer, or maybe just more time to do what they want. It doesn't though. So then people try the next best thing. They run away from their problems. A new setting does not change you. You may try to act different, be cool, be whatever you aren't, but it never holds. There is such thing as a fresh start and that's not what people want anyway. People want to live their lives over with express knowledge of what didn't work the first time.
I wonder what Nichole would do if she got that chance. I somehow doubt she would change things as late in her life as our relationship. she would probably change relations with her ex. It makes me sad, in a way, to think of that possibility. But then I think of my life. The first thing I would change isn't anything to do with Nichole. In fact the change might have the adverse effect. It might actually cause me never to have met her. I wish I was more ambitious when I was younger. That simple modification would change a lot of things. First off, I probably would have gone out with my fist crush. That in itself could have caused me never to have met Nichole. Assuming, though that my life had no noticeable change after that until Jr. High, things would have been different then. Had I been more ambitious with my ex, we might not have broken up. Or we may have broken up sooner and I would never have talked to Nichole the first time.
In a way, I don't really want to change anything about my life. I'm glad for everything, especially if it had a hand in me meeting Nichole. I love her so much. I just hope I don't lose her. She means a lot to me. She is the source of m greatest pain, yes, but also of my greatest happiness.
Ugh.. that's enough for tonight, I think. Goodnight all. Goodnight, my love.
I hate the feeling of helplessness. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again. It's not "good enough" that I love her. That does not make things any easier. Time may prove to say that it has, in fact, made things more difficult. Surely if I did not love her we would have broken up long ago. Some may say that would have been easier than it will be later. Either way I don't think we'll ever get back together if we break up. We.. Well mostly she, has talked of breaking up for long enough to sort everything out that's wrong outside of 'us'. I can see the logic in that thinking, but I don't think it would make that much of a difference. And what about sayings like 'two heads are better than one' and such. I have quite a firm belief that if we can't solve our problems together, we can't solve them apart. You cannot take a break from life. It keeps going, moving, as long as you live. Everybody in the world has had a time when they wished time would stop. Everybody has something they wanted to last longer, or maybe just more time to do what they want. It doesn't though. So then people try the next best thing. They run away from their problems. A new setting does not change you. You may try to act different, be cool, be whatever you aren't, but it never holds. There is such thing as a fresh start and that's not what people want anyway. People want to live their lives over with express knowledge of what didn't work the first time.
I wonder what Nichole would do if she got that chance. I somehow doubt she would change things as late in her life as our relationship. she would probably change relations with her ex. It makes me sad, in a way, to think of that possibility. But then I think of my life. The first thing I would change isn't anything to do with Nichole. In fact the change might have the adverse effect. It might actually cause me never to have met her. I wish I was more ambitious when I was younger. That simple modification would change a lot of things. First off, I probably would have gone out with my fist crush. That in itself could have caused me never to have met Nichole. Assuming, though that my life had no noticeable change after that until Jr. High, things would have been different then. Had I been more ambitious with my ex, we might not have broken up. Or we may have broken up sooner and I would never have talked to Nichole the first time.
In a way, I don't really want to change anything about my life. I'm glad for everything, especially if it had a hand in me meeting Nichole. I love her so much. I just hope I don't lose her. She means a lot to me. She is the source of m greatest pain, yes, but also of my greatest happiness.
Ugh.. that's enough for tonight, I think. Goodnight all. Goodnight, my love.
posted by 3nvy at 10:08 PM
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