Vacation Over

I got back yesterday afternoon. It's nice to be able to write as much as I want in these blogs. I hate doing it from my phone. They don't call it SMS for nothing. Anyway, as my limited blogs have already pointed out, I'm not in the best of moods. This whole vacation sucked. With the possible exception of a Broadway show I saw on Wednesday. The whole time it felt like I was breathing water. The air was so thick. Then when I got back, I realized it wasn't the humidity. Well, I kinda knew that while I was there too. When I was happy it wasn't bad. But all other times... like drowning.

I know why, for the most part, too. It was all the feelings I don't like manifesting at one time. I definitely don't like being that far away from Nichole. It's hard to communicate and even when we did she seemed so... distant. Not only in the physical sense, but mentally as well. Like something was on her mind all the while we were talking. That has to be it. Especially since she won't tell me about it until we see each other. I understand she was trying not to ruin my vacation, but I don't think it helped much for either of us.

And it's not like I don't know what's happened. She's not very good at keeping things form me. You don't cry a lot for nothing. You don't consider breaking up for nothing... Breaking up. It's such a depressing subject. She said in one message that she doesn't want us to break up. Well what do you want, Nichole? How can I make you happy when I'm not happy myself? Am I doomed to confront this choice forever?

It's not like I don't love her. That has never been a question. In fact that's the whole problem. I can only make the same choice as long as I do. Maybe it's not a problem. Maybe it's some kind of cosmic test. How long will you hold on to what you think is right? Well I don't believe in that shit. All I know is what I feel. I know I feel bad every time I'm forced to make this choice. And I know I feel worse every time I consider taking the other door. I love her so much...

But so do others... would she be better off with someone who isn't afraid of hurting her? Not if she does the same thing she's done the past seven months. Nobody else will stand for that. Especially if they aren't only interested in her well being e.g. will hurt her if she does something they don't like. I can't leave her to that fate. To do so would be like hurting her myself, and I can't do that.

But I still don't know what to do. I hate having to make choices... maybe this will be the last one.


I love my blogs. They always arrive neatly back at square one. They don't solve any of the problems that are running through my head, but they help me feel better. I don't hurt so much after writing my thoughts down.

P.S. Nichole, I'm sorry if anything written here hurts you. I really do not mean it to.